THREE WEEKS…and the excitement is currently overwhelming. I get excited/overwhelmed and cry at everything. I don’t sleep. It’s going to feel like the night before Christmas for the next few weeks, and honestly it may get a little ridiculous. I feel like a hormonal teenager, but I’m honestly just super excited.
This week everyone in my cohort found out their graduate assistantship positions. By the grace of God and extreme devotion and hard work from our program director (and potentially others, behind the scenes), everyone in our cohort has 100% tuition remission for the fall and spring! That means we pay nothing but fees for our first year in grad school! If you don’t believe me, here’s the email:
In other exciting news, I got my first book for grad school today! Along with my professor, this book will teach me all about the DAS-II…don’t ask me what that is. Just kidding…it’s a “psychological assessment instrument” (aka, a test) that measures certain cognitive abilities for children from the ages of about 2-17 years; at least, that’s what I gather from the first page. 😉 Here’s a photo of me with my happy face and my new book:
I think I’ve really found where I’m supposed to be. I’m ready to get to Texas. I’m ready to start learning. I’m ready for the next chapter. I don’t doubt that it will be difficult. I don’t doubt that it will take work. I do hope, though, that for the most part it ends up being fun work, and I do believe that it will all be worth it. I forgot how much I love to learn, and I’m just ready to get back in the groove. I’m ready to have more of a schedule. I’m ready for everything…except the rest of the packing that I still have to do. Oh, and the drive. I’m not ready for the 13-hour drive. Other than that, let’s get this show on the road!
Back when I thought I was going to China, I had a to-do list that I was updating fairly regularly here on athousandnewpaths. (Sidenote: If you haven’t read about where the title for my blog originated, check it out here.) Well I thought that I created a Baylor to-do list to replace the list for China, but I can’t seem to find it. So, here it is:
Finalize my sell, donate, & keep piles for my room at home
Extensive cleaning and organizing of room at home
Pack winter clothes
Sell/donate clothes & shoes I no longer wear
Organize summer clothes
Pack mementos, crafts, & miscellaneous
Sew a canopy for my new bed/room
Register for classes
Pay bill online
Add class schedule to new Lilly planner
Add GA schedule to new Lilly planner (after receiving GA schedule)
Create a budget
Take my dog, Georgia, to get her yearly vaccinations
Take Georgia to the groomer
Find/purchase a small dog crate
Check all refills for prescriptions
Buy more contacts
Get car oil changed and tires rotated and balanced
Compile a list of freezer and crock pot meals
Purchase another crock pot
This seems like a long list of things left to do in less than four weeks, but I’m pretty confident that I can manage it! Cason and I are getting very excited about moving to Texas. It gets more and more real every day! I will keep you updated!
Updated: 8/5/13–Only a few things left to do and just a few for days left to do it!
Updated: 8/13/13–I can’t believe the big move is almost here! I finally compiled a list of crockpot meals, which will help tremendously when I do my first round of grocery shopping at the end of this week. I’ve also succumb to the fact that some things on this list will need to be completed IN TEXAS. That’s actually rather exciting!
Here it is…the post that you all knew was coming, and the one that I have honestly been putting off for a while.
I’m not going to China.
I still don’t have the words to explain why or what changed in my heart, but something changed. It was taking forever to get an invitation from the government, and I saw the potential time I would be spending there slowly dwindling. I didn’t like that. I wasn’t a fan of the fact that my 5 months in China was going down to 4 and eventually only 3. Sure, any length of time in China would be an experience of a lifetime, but I was putting my entire life here on hold and it was unhealthy.
I was afraid to build friendships and relationships in my hometown. I was afraid to go back to my college town and hang out with my friends because I knew I would be leaving them soon. It felt pointless to get a part-time job when I had no clue how long I’d be available to work there. Everything was in limbo, and while I was doing my best to trust God’s plan for the situation, I was emotionally overloaded and highly stressed. That’s when it occurred to me that God’s plans for this trip perhaps changed. I can’t explain it, but I felt and still feel like I need to stay here for now.
It was terribly difficult to decide not to pursue a dream that I had been planning for so long, but after the decision was made I felt relieved. Life is not always about making the right or wrong choices; it’s about making wise choices that you can live with. That’s exactly what I elected to do in this situation. Would I still like to be going to China? Sure! But do I regret the decision I made not to go? No, I don’t. Later down the road if I find myself saying, “Man, I wish I had gone to China,” then hopefully I will be in a position to plan a trip at that time.
And that’s how I feel about that.
P.S. I know this blog started as a way to document my path to China and my journey while I was there, but obviously that has changed. I definitely plan on updating the blog regularly with info about my life, relationships, and graduate school. However, I’m still trying to figure out a clear direction and plan for the blog, so bear with me while I work to bring the best to the table here.
I’m not sure what we were doing in this moment or what made us smile so much, but I’m thankful for whatever it was and whoever captured this moment. I spend so much time behind my own camera that I am rarely the subject of a candid photograph.
Sometimes when I see myself in a photograph like this, I am momentarily taken aback. I have this image in my head of what I look like and who I am, but that rarely matches up with what I see when I look in a mirror or at myself in a photo. In my mind’s eye, my self image is composed of my personal experiences that have made me into the person I am today. It’s not so much a single image as it is a collage of all the different versions of myself that I have grown through in my lifetime. I always find it really hard to describe to others, but I still see myself as the four-year-old who sucked her thumb and the ten-year-old with the goofy glasses and the awkward middle-schooler with braces and colored contact lenses. I see myself as the high school cheerleader who dated a football/baseball player yet was not at all in the popular crowed. I am still that freshman in college who cringed at the thought of being surrounded by people at a frat party. I have spent more time with myself than anyone else has, and I know myself better than anyone else.
Yet, I still have this realization that perhaps my view of myself is skewed from how others see me. Perhaps that’s because most people seem to come and go so frequently that they only catch a relatively small glimpse of the person I am in this very moment. It’s not everyday that you find a friend who seeks to understand the person you were 5, 10, or 15 years ago. It is always easier to assume that who someone is on the outside is a direct reflection of the person they are on the inside–the cumulation of years of life. Most people are content with the pieces of the puzzle that are most appealing to them–typically the corner & edge pieces. What’s on the outside. What’s easiest to get to. Nobody has all of the pieces to the puzzle.
Sometimes though, I realize that not even I have all the pieces. God has this wonderful master plan where he knows the future and the woman that I will become. I can take comfort and find peace in that, knowing that no matter who I’ve been or who I will become, God has all of the pieces, and he is working all things together for my good (Rom. 8:28).