Here it is…the post that you all knew was coming, and the one that I have honestly been putting off for a while.
I’m not going to China.
I still don’t have the words to explain why or what changed in my heart, but something changed. It was taking forever to get an invitation from the government, and I saw the potential time I would be spending there slowly dwindling. I didn’t like that. I wasn’t a fan of the fact that my 5 months in China was going down to 4 and eventually only 3. Sure, any length of time in China would be an experience of a lifetime, but I was putting my entire life here on hold and it was unhealthy.
I was afraid to build friendships and relationships in my hometown. I was afraid to go back to my college town and hang out with my friends because I knew I would be leaving them soon. It felt pointless to get a part-time job when I had no clue how long I’d be available to work there. Everything was in limbo, and while I was doing my best to trust God’s plan for the situation, I was emotionally overloaded and highly stressed. That’s when it occurred to me that God’s plans for this trip perhaps changed. I can’t explain it, but I felt and still feel like I need to stay here for now.
It was terribly difficult to decide not to pursue a dream that I had been planning for so long, but after the decision was made I felt relieved. Life is not always about making the right or wrong choices; it’s about making wise choices that you can live with. That’s exactly what I elected to do in this situation. Would I still like to be going to China? Sure! But do I regret the decision I made not to go? No, I don’t. Later down the road if I find myself saying, “Man, I wish I had gone to China,” then hopefully I will be in a position to plan a trip at that time.
And that’s how I feel about that.
P.S. I know this blog started as a way to document my path to China and my journey while I was there, but obviously that has changed. I definitely plan on updating the blog regularly with info about my life, relationships, and graduate school. However, I’m still trying to figure out a clear direction and plan for the blog, so bear with me while I work to bring the best to the table here.